Distressing Dream

Over the past couple of weeks, I have been having a disturbing dream. Actually, there are various episodes, but they all have a similar tie in: humiliation with the military and perhaps shame.

Before I go into what I dreamt, I have to say that I used to be in Air Force ROTC. At first it was a blast and I actually had high hopes that I would become an officer. By the second year, I realized that I didn't have the discipline to loose and keep my weight off. So I quit. Not my proudest moment. I live with the regret that I will not have the opportunity to serve my country because I can't keep my mouth shut or ass moving. For the rest of university, I just stayed out of the way of all the other cadets that I had known. Today, I wonder where they are and what they are doing. Hannasch, Cherrington, Letzgus, Walker, Nassif, Wiler, Pumford, Edwards, Somsel, Hafstetter, Halicki, White, Bottoms, Saxe, and even more that I can't think of at this moment. In particular, I think about Nassif and Halicki who went into Intelligence, which is where I would have liked to have ended up.

So in my dreams, I always end up back in my uniform, feeling just fine in them. That is, until I am caught by a cadet. Then I am embarrassed because I know that I shouldn't be wearing a uniform. I don't have that right. In one instance, I was wearing it for Halloween. In another, I was wearing my PT's because they were the only clothes that were comfortable to wear that day. In one horrifying episode-- one that I actually woke up from-- I actually went to the detatchment wearing my blues. When I walked in, I got harassed and practically assaulted by the cadets and cadre there.

In reality, I have never put on any piece of my left over uniforms. There are two exceptions: my dress shoes and my combat boots. So why am I doing something so stupid in my subconscious? I thought that I had made peace with my failure and accepted the fact that I will stay a civilian. ...Haven't I?