Stepping Back
Warning: This post is a sob post. Don’t read on if you don’t like this sort of crap.
In a way, if you read what I write, you get to see my more emotional side—more than what my friends see. The way I present myself in real life, I am guarded and come off as cold and somewhat pessimistic. Not a real nice person if you meet me right off the back. Well, I’m not that bad. I’m cordial and polite, but I rarely have a warm smile or exhibit an inviting personality. I like to think, though, that people I do let in, they get to see or at least understand that there is something deeper. I’m sure if I paid a psychologist, he’d say that it was because I try to keep people at a distance because I fear them knowing my true self.
Despite my hardened exterior, I am so emotional that I wonder how I even control it. I’ve even entertained the idea that I might be bipolar. I’m not. I’m actually on the level most of the time. There are times, though, seemingly out of the blue, where I am really high or extremely low. What throws me, however, is that I don’t know what throws me into these fits. Beginning on Friday, I knew that I was entering a funk. Yesterday, I stared at this blog wondering if I should delete it. I might wish that I took back some of the things that I have written, but I didn’t want to loose everything. This blog has been going on for almost three years and I felt like I would be deleting some history. I did have one plan of action. Sitting in draft mode, is a post where I say that I will be taking a break from blogging.
I know why I’m in a depressed mood. I’m lonely. It’s not the typical loneliness where I am longing for that special someone. No, this is a paranoid no one-likes-me loneliness. And it goes back to the idea that no one likes a downer. Do I come off as a person who doesn’t seem to be nice to be around? Am I mean? An ass? Too geeky? Too depressing?
Lately, it seems like everyone I know is moving on. They are pairing up or finding new relationships. Of my friends here that live nearby and hang with, I am now the only single person. Other friends, have gone off and are doing there own things. The situation even extends into the blogosphere. I try to tell myself that this is a great thing. People should go out there and find people that make them happy. It’s terribly selfish on my part to expect them to stick around with me. For example, a relationship with Erin would never have worked out. I told her that it wouldn’t be fair for her because I can’t give her what she wants and deserves. And there it is, if people are moving away from me—it must be because I’m not enough.
This isn’t a cry for attention. Well, it sorta is because I’m writing about it. But that’s not the real motivation. Look, I really do love and appreciate my friends. When times, like these happen I have to think of the better times like last Saturday. You all who visit and comment (or not comment), you are precious to me as well. Don’t worry, I’m not going to take a break from the blog. I’m going to trudge through. Just wait for me on the other side.
In a way, if you read what I write, you get to see my more emotional side—more than what my friends see. The way I present myself in real life, I am guarded and come off as cold and somewhat pessimistic. Not a real nice person if you meet me right off the back. Well, I’m not that bad. I’m cordial and polite, but I rarely have a warm smile or exhibit an inviting personality. I like to think, though, that people I do let in, they get to see or at least understand that there is something deeper. I’m sure if I paid a psychologist, he’d say that it was because I try to keep people at a distance because I fear them knowing my true self.
Despite my hardened exterior, I am so emotional that I wonder how I even control it. I’ve even entertained the idea that I might be bipolar. I’m not. I’m actually on the level most of the time. There are times, though, seemingly out of the blue, where I am really high or extremely low. What throws me, however, is that I don’t know what throws me into these fits. Beginning on Friday, I knew that I was entering a funk. Yesterday, I stared at this blog wondering if I should delete it. I might wish that I took back some of the things that I have written, but I didn’t want to loose everything. This blog has been going on for almost three years and I felt like I would be deleting some history. I did have one plan of action. Sitting in draft mode, is a post where I say that I will be taking a break from blogging.
I know why I’m in a depressed mood. I’m lonely. It’s not the typical loneliness where I am longing for that special someone. No, this is a paranoid no one-likes-me loneliness. And it goes back to the idea that no one likes a downer. Do I come off as a person who doesn’t seem to be nice to be around? Am I mean? An ass? Too geeky? Too depressing?
Lately, it seems like everyone I know is moving on. They are pairing up or finding new relationships. Of my friends here that live nearby and hang with, I am now the only single person. Other friends, have gone off and are doing there own things. The situation even extends into the blogosphere. I try to tell myself that this is a great thing. People should go out there and find people that make them happy. It’s terribly selfish on my part to expect them to stick around with me. For example, a relationship with Erin would never have worked out. I told her that it wouldn’t be fair for her because I can’t give her what she wants and deserves. And there it is, if people are moving away from me—it must be because I’m not enough.
This isn’t a cry for attention. Well, it sorta is because I’m writing about it. But that’s not the real motivation. Look, I really do love and appreciate my friends. When times, like these happen I have to think of the better times like last Saturday. You all who visit and comment (or not comment), you are precious to me as well. Don’t worry, I’m not going to take a break from the blog. I’m going to trudge through. Just wait for me on the other side.
Comments
People move away, find new friends, and develop new interests. They also just drift apart. This is fine, so long as they get replaced by new people.
Most friends (or friendships) seem to have a limited shelf life - they're good to have for a while (weeks, months or years, depending on the person) but if they hang around for longer, you start avoiding them.
I'm sure we've both had to put up with someone who you liked ten years ago, but who hasn't gone away yet. I've got one "friend" (in quotes) like that who's a perfectly decent person, but we stopped having anything new to say to each other fifteen years ago - and he still phones me up, having the same conversation every few weeks. Maybe he's lonely too.
I wonder whether you're really sad because there's no new friends, or whether the cause is something else entirely. Lack of career prospects, the way the country is going, the feeling of getting old, or just the law of diminishing returns - nothing seems new or fresh anymore because you've seen so much. Any or all of these, maybe. I don't know.
Hey, I get depressed because I'm overweight and my hairline is halfway up my scalp. So I eat fried food and chocolate to make myself feel better - which, amazingly, doesn't stop me being fat or bald, or make me feel better about it. The fact that I have "that special someone" who doesn't care that I'm fat and bald, but is convinced that he's unattractive even though he's beautiful...well, I'm not sure which of us has the most irrational emotions on that one.
I don't have any solutions for you. I just know that deleting your blog will make you alone online as well as alone in real life, you have more people around you than you think, and you could sit down and ask yourself whether you're really friendless, or just bored.
And by the way, thanks for putting me on your blogroll. I didn't expect it, and it's very nice that you did it.
As for the friends for a season, I suppose that's life. But it still sucks when seasons change.