Thursday, December 25, 2008

I didn't want to be seen.

When I quit AFROTC my second year, I did it for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was not in shape to continue on although if I had tried harder I may have. There were other reasons too and in the end, I think that I would have been even more conflicted and tormented had I stayed and that it was the correct decision. Yet, it still remains a huge what if for me. I left and tried to make a clean break which meant that I purposely avoided the cadets that I had come to consider as a sort of second family. It’s only now, years later, that I regret that because I might have come out of college with some really great friends. All I really have are sweet memories.

Mr. L. has tried to befriend me on Facebook. I have two other buddies on Facebook that I know from the program but Mr. L. is a sort of special case because he was one of a select number of cadets that I looked up to and that I was close to. None of these select people are my friends on Facebook. Mostly because they don’t have profiles of their own (You gotta remember that Facebook was just starting when we were graduating). Mr. L. must have just activated his profile and asked me to befriend him.

I haven’t done it yet. It so weird but he would be a reminder of what was so good about my time in college but at the same time a reminder of my own failings—that I didn’t measure up. I haven’t reached my potential. I took one road instead of another. I chose my heart instead of my brain. I turned my back on people that I cared about.

So as soon as I am done posting, I am going to log on to Facebook and I click “confirm.” Mr. L. and others were my friends--people that I looked up to and people that encouraged me to do more. As much as I want to hide myself from them I’d very much like for them to be in my life, even if it is through an online social network. I need to embrace the good and the bad and use it to move forward.

No comments: